What if everything I know is wrong?

What if I'm schizophrenic or paranoid, convinced that I know how people feel about me and what they're saying about me?

Because if the world doesn't work the way I've come to believe, how do I know the alternatives presented by others are any more real or true? (Sort of like the religion problem.)

But it's starting to look like computers really are the only things I can trust my understanding of.

first visit to Dr. R

Dr. R is a fuckwit. He was scolding me about my lifestyle choices before he'd even heard my story or asked what I'd come to him for help with. Maybe I'm a textbook case, but the client needs validation that he was justified in asking for help, and wasn't just being weak.

He assigned me to do some exercises in the Feeling Good Handbook. Now I want to fix all my cognitive fallacies out of spite. Or else he hypnotically slipped something under the door, which I'm not sure how I feel about. Maybe the fact that I chose to be there meant it was okay to work with the part of me that does trust him. It's spooky.

Perhaps I don't know that other part of me well enough to be sure I trust him, or her, with making decisions that affect me. Then again that's what she does all the time anyhow.

Alice

Alice: [withdrawn]
Me: What do you want ...
Alice: [quietly] I want to go home.
Me: This is our home now. It's a nice place. What would make it feel like home?
Alice: A tv. A boyfriend.
Me: ...
[Shadow pops up, grinning.]
Me: Shadow, this is Alice. I need you to be a very good friend to her. Alice, this is Shadow. She's a very good girl. You can talk to her if you want.
Butch: I'll be her boyfriend.
Me: Uh what's you're name?
Butch: It's Butch.
Me: Hello you're on the air ;-)
Butch: Alice, I like you.
Alice: You're fat, and ugly. I hate you.

You did it!!

Something just CLICKED in my head ... when I imagine sexual schenes now they're tactile and visceral ... I can imagine the texture of her bra, the tension in my muscles, the intensity in her face, the wetness and the motion .. it was never like this before


and ....... I pulled out an old pair of slacks and they hide the loot just fine. Why did I think this was unwearable before????

changing my medication lowered my anxiety level until I could understand the problem and stop sabotaging myself?

Shadow likes Full Metal Panic

The opening credits of this fansub said "Encoded by Shadow" and she just kind of showed up grinning like she thought it was funny. You can see I've gotten rid of my cheesecake wallpaper in favor of this picture of Kana-chan:

I had the subtitles covered with a piece of paper to let my subconscious get a more "unobstructed view" of the spoken dialogue.

Did not realize Shadow was interested in boys. This scene made her go quiet.


It was very strange. It was uncomfortable to feel her sexual fascination, yet I didn't want to pull her away from the experience on my own account .. just bit down on a plastic cup for about 30 seconds. This will always be an erotic memory for her, no doubt. (She's being quiet while I type this, but slowly getting aroused, something else that I hadn't expected.)

high blood pressure and other side effects

I've been off Focalin almost a week, and yesterday got my refill and took a full dose at work, 60mg at 11am, 40mg at 12pm, the last 20mg at 1pm or so.
* Makes an astounding difference in how well I can work -- "capable of linear thinking"
* Heart rate skyrocketed
* Mouth dried out *very* quickly (like the cartoon where the singer eats a spoonful of alum)
* Didn't kill my appetite "permanently" -- around 8pm felt hunger pangs
* Able to face my manager for a sit-down 1:1 in her office despite wearing the thin-fabric beige/white pants that, uh, flatter my curves
** Felt some worry about proper fit, checked in bathroom even a couple times, but tugged at the pantlegs and fabric until it looked okay
** Accepted that people could sorta see the contour of a man's genitals - "re-learning" what is common way of men's dress, e.g. biz casual. B/c what's common in a community is, in some sense, what's acceptable
* Didn't walk home as per Doctor O. agreement. Felt achy. Went to bed around 9pm with tylenol, antihistamine, and antigas pills.

The combination of 40mg Strattera, now leveled off, with 120mg Fcln is a good one. I got sidetracked on writing email a couple of times yesterday but was able to find my way to objectives in a fairly straight line.

Around 6:30pm I trashed something by trying to recompile stuff that required a SOURCE override that wtf, so that may be when it started fading? Need more info.

BP - my first day back on Focalin - sitting down at home felt the same malaise, strong pounding pulse, strong pain in jaw, other symptoms above probably related also.

Dr. L believes based on my xp last week that 40mg is the limit for me on Strattera.

Calling the Ticket Master =]

Come talk to me when you see this. Please.

fuck.

Well, I'm blogging again. So much stuff going on - admittedly cool for the most part - won't forgive myself if I don't capture this story.


People will know I'm crazy, though. Or you might say I have my own take on reality. :(


If I get a girlfriend, what if she doesn't agree with my (professed) liberal attitudes toward sex? Used to think that anyone having sex out of wedlock was a godless hedonist, but maybe she doesn't even think porn is appropriate.


Which makes me wonder.. if I get a proper relationship in my life, will I be less interested in pornography? Or will that tension continue to exist?


I vote for the latter. It could be that unconscious guilt might be punishing me with inheriting the faults and embarrassments of my dad. How to approach that inner dialogue.. could be protracted. Or fascinatingly simple. Or both!


remember to write about the characters "old Shawn", "Donna Reed", "Marvin", "Cate Catherine" .. goddammit i will not lose these memories.

DEATH is the ultimate FUCK YOU

dunno if it's my diet or seasonal change or who knows what, but I keep thinking about dying. Like, hell nobody cares about me.

I want some way to award a cash prize to the first person who wonders if I'm okay, who tries to check on me.

I want to change my next of kin so that I could be dead for years before Mom finds out.

It's unproductive to ask people for sympathy, so I can't do that.

Am I ever going to fit in? Will the world ever be able to accommodate me?

Why are people so fucking stupid? Why can't they understand?

I just want to tell everyone to FUCK OFF.

At least with the JWs I had the "McFriends" but now? Blowing money at strip clubs? I haven't been in a while because it's obviously unsatisfying...

i wish somebody cared about me

I am so full of myself!!!

maybe spending time with other people will let me change that.

maybe spending time with more people will give me non-romantic experiences of women to dilute the past experience.

True friends are not disposable. =(

If I seem immature, I am immature, and there must be a better response besides defensiveness and evading responsibility. Fact is, some things I do and have done are unacceptable (e.g. wearing too-small pants for years and upsetting lots of people). I can't change the fact that I had a negative effect on [people.

No matter how valid my excuses, in my own mind,... people have a right to be offended sometimes. I need a better reaction. Will they be offended forever? What if they are?

These are questions that often come up for teenagers = I can read the answers somewhere.

What I wished I could help Jenna understand

well let's start with a story first. At the cuddle party last night, #2, I held a woman in my arms and felt intimate and weird at the same time. Later I realized what people have been saying all along: Men have trouble with the concept of physical intimacy without sex. Which is what the party thing is supposed to provide exposure to. Many women especially wish that they could be held without this societal expectation that they have to give sex in return.

I wasn't particularly sexually attracted to her, we didn't have a smooth conversational flow. But I felt like culturally it was assumed this was sexual. I was told that a "good christian" would never be that close to someone outside of marriage, because "something bad might happen."

The flash of insight was noticing my extreme bias that women would be somewhat sexually interested in a man who they liked or who made them feel good.

In the real world, sex is an infrequently-used option, especially with people who have only met.

Jenna, I wish you could understand -- I wasn't discouraged because I didn't get what I wanted -- I was discouraged because what I wanted more was to never have feelings for you in the first place, to shut them down to prevent the sort of problems that they caused between us. The first time we went out, I was happy because it seemed like such an important step -- going out to lunch with a woman without it being a date. I wanted it to stay that way. In the back of my mind I knew you weren't interested ... what I wanted to stave off was the overwhelming denial that led to an impulsive, inappropriate email.

if i don't tell somebody these things, I'll go bonkers.

A friend reminded me, in so many words, that some aspects of our lives should be disclosed on a need-to-know basis. I'm wayyyy too open, especially compared to her. I'm impressed by her tight lip and it may be necessary to go back and censor my public blog. The whole world does not need to remember the problems I've since overcome.

And besides, it's a waste of time to even think you can make everyone understand where you're coming from. My defensiveness is related to the discomfort I feel at the idea of anyone thinking I'm bad, stupid, whatever ... I want people to know that I'm doing the best I know how.

But aren't we all ...

Respect for the living

Do you think I forget other people even have feelings? Then I also hope that talking about myself less causes me to think about others more.

Men's brains interpret girls in bikinis as objects. They suggest this is because mating is goal oriented. Whatever. This could be learned - They state that we also view homeless/druggies as objects to be avoided. The brain scans when viewing women with their clothes on are different and show activity in areas associated with treating them like humans (empathy? i dunno what areas)

I've heard strong arguments on both sides of the porn debate and want to know the reality if I'm going to be associating with a "sex-positive" c0mmunity then I want to know how it will alter me.

Because face it. What I did to Jenna was so disrespectful that I'm still in denial about it. Made several comments including email about wanting to "try things out" or "experiment". She was furious about that attitude. At first I thought of course that's not how I meant those words. But look at my actions! If that was my subconscious pushing me into a certain course of action, then deep down inside was I treating her as disposable? All I can say is that's certainly how it looks.

And what about my assumption that because she was pretty, and wasn't religious, then she has sex with just anybody? Evil thought... I can instantly see the connection with porn fantasies of the always-available-and-willing sex object. No, she was clearly turned off by the idea of doing it with me! Good relationships are not pouting over someone who wouldn't have sex with them.

So that's the deal -- IF I STOP viewing attractive women as automatically sexually available for me to have, THEN I WILL EVOLVE a way to feel the sexual tension without acting on it.


Explaining my reasons for stupid mistakes is usually a thinly-veiled attempt at justifying myself. Life is too short to waste everyone's time on that.

Suck it up - What people can and cannot stand to listen to

I went 48 hours without whining about my personal issues online. Jenna posted a comment -- who knows if it was really directed at me, but she said it was nice not feeling enraged by certain people talking to her. The last few days I've been depressed and it's got to be related to the overall situation with her.

First I felt taken hostage by someone who didn't see my point of view and wanted to belittle me, for anything I said to try to process and understand it. Saying negative things on twitter is like complaining to anybody who will listen. Hard feelings (conflict, what have you) between two people, it is probably poor etiquette to air those arguments publicly. "Take it offline." Just like it's a bad move in the real world.

So now, I feel like that scolding did me a real service. It takes away my primary tool for manipulating people, and forces me to solve harder problems by myself. Which is the same as adult responsibility.

She understands.

Jenna says I freak out too much, like all the time. People have been hitting on and declaring their love for each other for millions of years, and just because it didn't go perfectly the first time I tried, there's no reason to give up.

So I let the monster out of the box to do its worst, and all that happened was that I said something too sexually forward to a person I liked. The consequences were anticlimactic -- insulted a friend, but not enough for her to quit speaking to me.

I made a big sign: The sky is not falling! Pass it on! You know, Armageddon makes it feel like the sky will fall at any minute. Sick.

So the big mystery is how do I let go of someone? A known issue to be sure.

why so jealous?

When I see Jenna being friendly with other guys -- how do I even know if that's flirting or not? fucking can't read people worth shit -- I get so jealous that my skin burns.

I want to solve that problem. She's not mine; she likes some people more than others; some people will like me more than she does. And I guess she doesn't feel any chemistry, which is pretty much a deal-breaker.

The First Post: Sexpectations.

I just got back from "The Hump" at CSPC. I know it's me because I'm curious, looking out the window at the Space Needle, looking at people's faces instead of not looking at anybody. I enjoy walking, I'm smiling right now, and fiddling with things like the bus seat armrests and ... oh, you know ... different things.

The other day I broke up with my friend Jenna. Actually, I kind of asked her to have (sex) with me and she thought it was too weird so we aren't talking anymore, at least not right now. What's weird to me is it doesn't feel weird to me at all! In fact, when I wrote to her it was pretty much, "If you don't want to, that's fine, but I just decided to ask. :-)" More or less. It was on Valentine's day, too. Just decided to do it

The thing about Jenna is she's just like my mom in a lot of ways. Kind, pretty, smart, empathetic, but totally oblivious to my feelings and needs. This childish part of me (same part?) was mad, really mad, because she acted like she was going to love me and kiss me and all that stuff. Yes, sometimes people just look like that's what they're thinking. A couple of times I had people think I was in love with them, so in a way I know she wasn't doing it to torture me. But it feels like she stole something from me, something that I needed badly.

On the first of this year I cut my mom out of my life forever by leaving the church where I was raised. At the time I described it as cutting the umbilical cord. Now, maybe I did the same thing to Jenna, let go of someone who I really liked but was not meeting my needs. It's callous, maybe even cruel, in both cases. But I don't regret doing what I needed to do.

I am a sex-positive man. I believe in sex and that it's important, it's a basic human need. Obviously Jenna feels that this is an extreme view and wasn't open to my asking. Nothing wrong with her for feeling that way, but I realize that our sexual schism was very like the one with my parents. Dad is definitely a sex-positive individual, and if he'd been born into an accepting culture like we have in Seattle, he would have been very, very happy. I plan to be happy.

Before the Hump we had Eros Dialogue - Sexpectations. It's been more than a year since I was at the center, and everything's different - the place doesn't freak me out in the slightest. So we were discussing how to negotiate expectations ... really basic stuff, some of it, like talk to me before you hit on me. Several people in the group had had sex with each other before, you know, casually, and it suddenly hit me that I could - and will - have that same experience, of being able to have affectionate/intimate/connective sex with multiple partners, which i believe is actually healthy and will help me to be very happy. If I get a girlfriend it will be somebody that really matters, not just a girl I hope to get along with. Possibly a girl that I've had enjoyable sex with already and we want more of each other.

Jenna was never going to give me more of herself, the time attention and affection that I needed. The type of friendship we have is a little fuzzy to me. But I made a last-ditch effort to get more of her, by offering sex in exchange for companionship. (Isn't it usually the other way around? :)) Is it wrong to say, This friendship is not meeting my needs? Apparently it's okay, and pretty important to make that call.

Now I'm thinking about Lisa F., who was the prepubescent cocktease in my 2nd grade class. Was it her that hurt me and changed me? Or was it Dad, who earned a parricide plot for his cruelty? Was it Mom, who sat on me to restrain me?

Sex isn't just a need. It's an adventure. And I'm going for it.