The First Post: Sexpectations.

I just got back from "The Hump" at CSPC. I know it's me because I'm curious, looking out the window at the Space Needle, looking at people's faces instead of not looking at anybody. I enjoy walking, I'm smiling right now, and fiddling with things like the bus seat armrests and ... oh, you know ... different things.

The other day I broke up with my friend Jenna. Actually, I kind of asked her to have (sex) with me and she thought it was too weird so we aren't talking anymore, at least not right now. What's weird to me is it doesn't feel weird to me at all! In fact, when I wrote to her it was pretty much, "If you don't want to, that's fine, but I just decided to ask. :-)" More or less. It was on Valentine's day, too. Just decided to do it

The thing about Jenna is she's just like my mom in a lot of ways. Kind, pretty, smart, empathetic, but totally oblivious to my feelings and needs. This childish part of me (same part?) was mad, really mad, because she acted like she was going to love me and kiss me and all that stuff. Yes, sometimes people just look like that's what they're thinking. A couple of times I had people think I was in love with them, so in a way I know she wasn't doing it to torture me. But it feels like she stole something from me, something that I needed badly.

On the first of this year I cut my mom out of my life forever by leaving the church where I was raised. At the time I described it as cutting the umbilical cord. Now, maybe I did the same thing to Jenna, let go of someone who I really liked but was not meeting my needs. It's callous, maybe even cruel, in both cases. But I don't regret doing what I needed to do.

I am a sex-positive man. I believe in sex and that it's important, it's a basic human need. Obviously Jenna feels that this is an extreme view and wasn't open to my asking. Nothing wrong with her for feeling that way, but I realize that our sexual schism was very like the one with my parents. Dad is definitely a sex-positive individual, and if he'd been born into an accepting culture like we have in Seattle, he would have been very, very happy. I plan to be happy.

Before the Hump we had Eros Dialogue - Sexpectations. It's been more than a year since I was at the center, and everything's different - the place doesn't freak me out in the slightest. So we were discussing how to negotiate expectations ... really basic stuff, some of it, like talk to me before you hit on me. Several people in the group had had sex with each other before, you know, casually, and it suddenly hit me that I could - and will - have that same experience, of being able to have affectionate/intimate/connective sex with multiple partners, which i believe is actually healthy and will help me to be very happy. If I get a girlfriend it will be somebody that really matters, not just a girl I hope to get along with. Possibly a girl that I've had enjoyable sex with already and we want more of each other.

Jenna was never going to give me more of herself, the time attention and affection that I needed. The type of friendship we have is a little fuzzy to me. But I made a last-ditch effort to get more of her, by offering sex in exchange for companionship. (Isn't it usually the other way around? :)) Is it wrong to say, This friendship is not meeting my needs? Apparently it's okay, and pretty important to make that call.

Now I'm thinking about Lisa F., who was the prepubescent cocktease in my 2nd grade class. Was it her that hurt me and changed me? Or was it Dad, who earned a parricide plot for his cruelty? Was it Mom, who sat on me to restrain me?

Sex isn't just a need. It's an adventure. And I'm going for it.