I am so full of myself!!!

maybe spending time with other people will let me change that.

maybe spending time with more people will give me non-romantic experiences of women to dilute the past experience.

True friends are not disposable. =(

If I seem immature, I am immature, and there must be a better response besides defensiveness and evading responsibility. Fact is, some things I do and have done are unacceptable (e.g. wearing too-small pants for years and upsetting lots of people). I can't change the fact that I had a negative effect on [people.

No matter how valid my excuses, in my own mind,... people have a right to be offended sometimes. I need a better reaction. Will they be offended forever? What if they are?

These are questions that often come up for teenagers = I can read the answers somewhere.

What I wished I could help Jenna understand

well let's start with a story first. At the cuddle party last night, #2, I held a woman in my arms and felt intimate and weird at the same time. Later I realized what people have been saying all along: Men have trouble with the concept of physical intimacy without sex. Which is what the party thing is supposed to provide exposure to. Many women especially wish that they could be held without this societal expectation that they have to give sex in return.

I wasn't particularly sexually attracted to her, we didn't have a smooth conversational flow. But I felt like culturally it was assumed this was sexual. I was told that a "good christian" would never be that close to someone outside of marriage, because "something bad might happen."

The flash of insight was noticing my extreme bias that women would be somewhat sexually interested in a man who they liked or who made them feel good.

In the real world, sex is an infrequently-used option, especially with people who have only met.

Jenna, I wish you could understand -- I wasn't discouraged because I didn't get what I wanted -- I was discouraged because what I wanted more was to never have feelings for you in the first place, to shut them down to prevent the sort of problems that they caused between us. The first time we went out, I was happy because it seemed like such an important step -- going out to lunch with a woman without it being a date. I wanted it to stay that way. In the back of my mind I knew you weren't interested ... what I wanted to stave off was the overwhelming denial that led to an impulsive, inappropriate email.

if i don't tell somebody these things, I'll go bonkers.

A friend reminded me, in so many words, that some aspects of our lives should be disclosed on a need-to-know basis. I'm wayyyy too open, especially compared to her. I'm impressed by her tight lip and it may be necessary to go back and censor my public blog. The whole world does not need to remember the problems I've since overcome.

And besides, it's a waste of time to even think you can make everyone understand where you're coming from. My defensiveness is related to the discomfort I feel at the idea of anyone thinking I'm bad, stupid, whatever ... I want people to know that I'm doing the best I know how.

But aren't we all ...

Respect for the living

Do you think I forget other people even have feelings? Then I also hope that talking about myself less causes me to think about others more.

Men's brains interpret girls in bikinis as objects. They suggest this is because mating is goal oriented. Whatever. This could be learned - They state that we also view homeless/druggies as objects to be avoided. The brain scans when viewing women with their clothes on are different and show activity in areas associated with treating them like humans (empathy? i dunno what areas)

I've heard strong arguments on both sides of the porn debate and want to know the reality if I'm going to be associating with a "sex-positive" c0mmunity then I want to know how it will alter me.

Because face it. What I did to Jenna was so disrespectful that I'm still in denial about it. Made several comments including email about wanting to "try things out" or "experiment". She was furious about that attitude. At first I thought of course that's not how I meant those words. But look at my actions! If that was my subconscious pushing me into a certain course of action, then deep down inside was I treating her as disposable? All I can say is that's certainly how it looks.

And what about my assumption that because she was pretty, and wasn't religious, then she has sex with just anybody? Evil thought... I can instantly see the connection with porn fantasies of the always-available-and-willing sex object. No, she was clearly turned off by the idea of doing it with me! Good relationships are not pouting over someone who wouldn't have sex with them.

So that's the deal -- IF I STOP viewing attractive women as automatically sexually available for me to have, THEN I WILL EVOLVE a way to feel the sexual tension without acting on it.


Explaining my reasons for stupid mistakes is usually a thinly-veiled attempt at justifying myself. Life is too short to waste everyone's time on that.

Suck it up - What people can and cannot stand to listen to

I went 48 hours without whining about my personal issues online. Jenna posted a comment -- who knows if it was really directed at me, but she said it was nice not feeling enraged by certain people talking to her. The last few days I've been depressed and it's got to be related to the overall situation with her.

First I felt taken hostage by someone who didn't see my point of view and wanted to belittle me, for anything I said to try to process and understand it. Saying negative things on twitter is like complaining to anybody who will listen. Hard feelings (conflict, what have you) between two people, it is probably poor etiquette to air those arguments publicly. "Take it offline." Just like it's a bad move in the real world.

So now, I feel like that scolding did me a real service. It takes away my primary tool for manipulating people, and forces me to solve harder problems by myself. Which is the same as adult responsibility.

She understands.

Jenna says I freak out too much, like all the time. People have been hitting on and declaring their love for each other for millions of years, and just because it didn't go perfectly the first time I tried, there's no reason to give up.

So I let the monster out of the box to do its worst, and all that happened was that I said something too sexually forward to a person I liked. The consequences were anticlimactic -- insulted a friend, but not enough for her to quit speaking to me.

I made a big sign: The sky is not falling! Pass it on! You know, Armageddon makes it feel like the sky will fall at any minute. Sick.

So the big mystery is how do I let go of someone? A known issue to be sure.

why so jealous?

When I see Jenna being friendly with other guys -- how do I even know if that's flirting or not? fucking can't read people worth shit -- I get so jealous that my skin burns.

I want to solve that problem. She's not mine; she likes some people more than others; some people will like me more than she does. And I guess she doesn't feel any chemistry, which is pretty much a deal-breaker.