first visit to Dr. R

Dr. R is a fuckwit. He was scolding me about my lifestyle choices before he'd even heard my story or asked what I'd come to him for help with. Maybe I'm a textbook case, but the client needs validation that he was justified in asking for help, and wasn't just being weak.

He assigned me to do some exercises in the Feeling Good Handbook. Now I want to fix all my cognitive fallacies out of spite. Or else he hypnotically slipped something under the door, which I'm not sure how I feel about. Maybe the fact that I chose to be there meant it was okay to work with the part of me that does trust him. It's spooky.

Perhaps I don't know that other part of me well enough to be sure I trust him, or her, with making decisions that affect me. Then again that's what she does all the time anyhow.

Alice

Alice: [withdrawn]
Me: What do you want ...
Alice: [quietly] I want to go home.
Me: This is our home now. It's a nice place. What would make it feel like home?
Alice: A tv. A boyfriend.
Me: ...
[Shadow pops up, grinning.]
Me: Shadow, this is Alice. I need you to be a very good friend to her. Alice, this is Shadow. She's a very good girl. You can talk to her if you want.
Butch: I'll be her boyfriend.
Me: Uh what's you're name?
Butch: It's Butch.
Me: Hello you're on the air ;-)
Butch: Alice, I like you.
Alice: You're fat, and ugly. I hate you.

You did it!!

Something just CLICKED in my head ... when I imagine sexual schenes now they're tactile and visceral ... I can imagine the texture of her bra, the tension in my muscles, the intensity in her face, the wetness and the motion .. it was never like this before


and ....... I pulled out an old pair of slacks and they hide the loot just fine. Why did I think this was unwearable before????

changing my medication lowered my anxiety level until I could understand the problem and stop sabotaging myself?

Shadow likes Full Metal Panic

The opening credits of this fansub said "Encoded by Shadow" and she just kind of showed up grinning like she thought it was funny. You can see I've gotten rid of my cheesecake wallpaper in favor of this picture of Kana-chan:

I had the subtitles covered with a piece of paper to let my subconscious get a more "unobstructed view" of the spoken dialogue.

Did not realize Shadow was interested in boys. This scene made her go quiet.


It was very strange. It was uncomfortable to feel her sexual fascination, yet I didn't want to pull her away from the experience on my own account .. just bit down on a plastic cup for about 30 seconds. This will always be an erotic memory for her, no doubt. (She's being quiet while I type this, but slowly getting aroused, something else that I hadn't expected.)

high blood pressure and other side effects

I've been off Focalin almost a week, and yesterday got my refill and took a full dose at work, 60mg at 11am, 40mg at 12pm, the last 20mg at 1pm or so.
* Makes an astounding difference in how well I can work -- "capable of linear thinking"
* Heart rate skyrocketed
* Mouth dried out *very* quickly (like the cartoon where the singer eats a spoonful of alum)
* Didn't kill my appetite "permanently" -- around 8pm felt hunger pangs
* Able to face my manager for a sit-down 1:1 in her office despite wearing the thin-fabric beige/white pants that, uh, flatter my curves
** Felt some worry about proper fit, checked in bathroom even a couple times, but tugged at the pantlegs and fabric until it looked okay
** Accepted that people could sorta see the contour of a man's genitals - "re-learning" what is common way of men's dress, e.g. biz casual. B/c what's common in a community is, in some sense, what's acceptable
* Didn't walk home as per Doctor O. agreement. Felt achy. Went to bed around 9pm with tylenol, antihistamine, and antigas pills.

The combination of 40mg Strattera, now leveled off, with 120mg Fcln is a good one. I got sidetracked on writing email a couple of times yesterday but was able to find my way to objectives in a fairly straight line.

Around 6:30pm I trashed something by trying to recompile stuff that required a SOURCE override that wtf, so that may be when it started fading? Need more info.

BP - my first day back on Focalin - sitting down at home felt the same malaise, strong pounding pulse, strong pain in jaw, other symptoms above probably related also.

Dr. L believes based on my xp last week that 40mg is the limit for me on Strattera.

Calling the Ticket Master =]

Come talk to me when you see this. Please.

fuck.

Well, I'm blogging again. So much stuff going on - admittedly cool for the most part - won't forgive myself if I don't capture this story.


People will know I'm crazy, though. Or you might say I have my own take on reality. :(


If I get a girlfriend, what if she doesn't agree with my (professed) liberal attitudes toward sex? Used to think that anyone having sex out of wedlock was a godless hedonist, but maybe she doesn't even think porn is appropriate.


Which makes me wonder.. if I get a proper relationship in my life, will I be less interested in pornography? Or will that tension continue to exist?


I vote for the latter. It could be that unconscious guilt might be punishing me with inheriting the faults and embarrassments of my dad. How to approach that inner dialogue.. could be protracted. Or fascinatingly simple. Or both!


remember to write about the characters "old Shawn", "Donna Reed", "Marvin", "Cate Catherine" .. goddammit i will not lose these memories.